Thursday, March 1, 2012

Spillin' it in the middle of the night...

It has definitely been a long time since I've written on this blog.  I switched my blogs over to my Website with the intention of driving up visibility of that page... but simply, I haven't had time to write on any of them in a while regardless.

As I write this, it is the middle of the night - and I woke wide awake from a deep sleep all of a sudden.  My mind full of thoughts - and unable to go back to sleep.  So what better way to deal with a full mind of thoughts than to write them down... share them with someone else (whoever that may be!)... and hopefully sleep will return at that point.  We shall see...

The past several weeks have been overwhelming in so many ways.  Actually, I guess I could say the past years have been overwhelming in even more ways.... but it would take a novel rather than a blog-page to include all of that!  For now I will stay with just the events of my last few weeks.  

Have you ever had a friend who hurt you?  They said something or did something and honestly, it just broke your heart... cut to the core of your feelings?  I had that happen...well, I've had it happen many times in my life, but the time I write of now was last year.  But I had finally gotten to a place of accepting what was, moving on from the extreme hurt of it, and knowing that I didn't want to go back.  So how do you handle it when they come back?  Not to say "hey, I was wrong to say what I did... or to do what I did..." but rather to ask a huge favor of you?  My humanness wanted to say "um, NO" but the part of me that believes with all of my heart in forgiveness (even if it's not asked for) and second chances... that believes I have a choice in my actions and reactions... well, that part said "yes... I'll do what I can to help you."  Needless to say, the favor was exhausting... but the feelings and the hurt that it all brought back to the surface have been even more exhausting.  The disappointment that this person doesn't even seem to realize what they did to me... that I matter that little... has been actually rather heartbreaking again on a certain level.  And now I am in a place that is past the favor - and once again trying to figure out how to move on from here.  My hopes are not raised - reality is still there - and lessons learned bring me much thankfulness.  

Along with that in my last few weeks has also been a session with Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep that brought so much sadness to my heart.  I imagine that this was a different case than I'll probably deal with very often.  The expectant mother had called back before Christmas... her baby was found to have a genetic condition that would not allow him to live.  He would most likely die at some point during the pregnancy... and she would find out at either a check-up or when labor started that he was gone.  She had found out about NILMDTS and wanted to arrange for me to be there through her labor... the hope was that he would be born alive - even if for only a moment and long enough to hear a cry.  A couple of weeks ago, actually on a day when I was leaving to go out of town for an extended weekend, I got the call at 5:30 am that her water had broken... she was on her way to the hospital.  Could I get there?  I borrowed a little more time, knowing she had to get checked in, be seen by the doctor, get settled into her room... but as much as I wanted just a little more sleep, I was up and in the shower soon and then on my way to the hospital.  It was a long day... the morning brought pain right away, as the baby went from a very weak heartbeat to no heartbeat while we all waited with the mom hopeful he would at least take one cry.  And his birth brought such a sadness... seeing his beautiful face, the reality that he existed and all the love that Mother felt was real for her child... and at that same moment having to tell him goodbye, even though he had already left a short time before.  There are no words to adequately describe the sadness, the disappointment, and the thankfulness I felt in my own heart that I had never had to experience the pain I was watching her go through.  As that was the last day I had before a lot of busy days set in, it has been up to now that I've worked when I could on the images from that day... editing them to bring them to a place where they will hopefully bring bittersweet joy, healing, validation of his existence to a family who lost their child before even having a chance to know him.  The images have certainly brought me many tears, prayers, wishes and hope already, and I am humbled to have been a part of their life through this experience.  

Now, without divulging too many exact details of the past few weeks, I am still awake at 3:45 am... sleep eludes me for some reason, and I wonder if I am to lay quietly in the dark and listen to the hum of the humidifier, or get up and read quietly... but what I do know is that although there is hurt and pain all around me, there is also a quiet peace in my heart.  A peace that I believe comes from God... to let me know that my persistence in trying is worth it... that He sees it.  And knowing that even now... awake at this too-early hour... I am not aloneHe is always with me