Friday, July 1, 2011

Sharing a little heart in pain....

Also visit my Photography by DonnaKay blogspot @ http://photographybydonnakay.blogspot.com ... a little more about my life as I grow my photography business...

Before you start reading this, I'm going to warn you.  This is very close and personal.  I'm crying as I write this, and a little bit of my soul will be "put out there" in this blog.  So -- if that's too much for you, then click off now...

Have you ever been hurt so much by someone that you thought the pain would make you stop breathing?  Or maybe just hoped that you wouldn't have to breath for a while -- it just hurt too much?  As much as I am sharing in this blog, I'm not going to go into great detail as to who hurt me this way or how... this is not about punishing or humiliating someone else.  It's about the fact that today my heart is hurting so badly that I just wish terribly that there was a magic button to push to make me feel NOTHING for just a little while.  Sometimes I feel as if I'm on a merry-go-round... and not the beautiful one you see at a park with the whimsical music -- but rather one in a nightmare that you are stuck on and can't get off.  There are days that I am tough and think "I'm ok - I can get through anything...." but then there are the days like this one, where my heart aches to the very core.  I am angry that I'm still hurting so badly, and wish someone could give me a secret answer to fix this.  The trouble with someone hurting you in such a way is that trust is destroyed -- and since trust has always been something very hard for me to extend anyway, it seems almost like a word with no meaning to me now.  Each day I work to put the pieces back together... to find a feeling of normalcy after what has happened... but day by day what I usually find lurking around is a heart that still has a lot of hurt.

To me there is a lesson in everything.  I don't believe God wastes any of our experiences, mistakes, heartaches - anything!  I think it's all about learning and becoming wiser and stronger.  And hopefully seeing that without God in my life, I can't get through the tough times, and don't want to go through even the good times without His guidance.

If you've ever been heartbroken by someone - just hold on patiently...  hold on to faith that everyone doesn't hurt you, believe that things will get better (even if that means they will be different, and you may not have the same people in your life)... know that God loves you and HE will never leave you nor forsake you.  When I try to figure out why God would let me go through this huge heartbreak in my life, I often think it's to toughen me up for something even bigger -- maybe to prepare me to be able to be there for someone else who is going to go through something painful in their own life.  Whatever the reason, I hold on each day, I find the Joy in my heart, and I trust that one day the pain will go away... or hopefully at least lessen to a dull throb.