So I got this tattoo...

This evening I am blogging as therapy...so there's just no telling what this will contain.  But I decided before even logging on that no matter what, I will click the "post" button.  So here we go....

You know, we all go through tough times in our lives.  None of us are excluded from those.  Tough times don't care about wealth, blame, personality or birthright - only that someone is suffering.  Where we are different from one another is in how we handle those tough times that we go through.  We all have choices as to how we will react when those trying times are upon us.  I like to look back on my life and see how much I've grown through the way I've dealt with the difficult times in my life.  I used to just freak out when something seemed impossible - often even thinking it was the end of the world in some way.  Being a left-handed, persistent, hard-headed, very passionate person who doesn't know when to give up on something or someone, believe me I used to be more dramatic about things before being realistic about what I was actually facing.  Fortunately, I'm much more level-headed now than when I was younger.  It has taken lots of difficult times in my life to bring me to the place of being able to keep calm and realize there's no need or positive result from over-reacting.  Then there was this thing I went through last year....

Let me say, that I have no idea who has ever read this blog - but I do know that a few people have simply because of the numbers.  I have no "followers" (sniff, sniff!) But I'm sure I'll probably be able to tell someone has read this when they walk up to me and start looking at my feet.  Should I go on to explain what I'm talking about?

Last year I had a huge hurt and disappointment in my life.  Again.  I was let down by someone very close to me - someone who had broken my heart before and I really didn't think would ever do such a thing again.  But this is life, and we are all human.  And I did get my heart broken once again.  Only this time I was amazed to find out how strong I had become since the last huge heartbreak.  God had developed me into this strong woman - a woman who was hurt, but didn't fall apart.  Rather, I was relieved to have the truth out and be able to deal with it from that point.  It has been 9 or 10 months now since all of this happened, and life has changed for me in many ways.  I love the new stronger woman that I came to know in myself, and I have grown more in the last 9 or 10 months than probably in the last 15 years.  Already there is a lot of good that has come from this bad experience.  So it is great that I didn't over-react - or do something dramatic.  But maybe there was still a little bit of drama left in me...and now I have permanent and lasting proof of my reaction.  Ok.... not to drag this out.  I got a tattoo.  If you know me then you know that this is really not my personality - in fact, probably something I've spoken out against before.  Yet for whatever reason, I chose to do this.  And for what it matters, I also have to say that I am not sorry that I did it.  I like it - and I think it's a visual reminder to me that people can change (and I am talking about me!)  Someone can go through something that literally shakes their trust for any other human, and they don't have to let their life fall apart from it, but rather they can become stronger.  So now I have a tattoo on my foot... It is pretty (as tattoos go!) with delicate purple flowers and green vine.  Flowers can represent something dying - but also something new and blooming... just the same as the green vine and leaves.  Getting the tattoo was terribly painful - I even had to ask the girl who did it to stop about half-way through because I really thought I was going to pass out.  But whenever I look at this tattoo, it makes me smile.  I feel strong, capable, renewed... I know I'm ok.  I'm not ashamed of it, but took the feeling of being "marked" because I was hurt in a much different way now.

In the past I have often stereotyped someone who would make a decision such as this, and if you are one of those people who is like that I would like to say something to you specifically... you just don't always know why someone makes a decision that they do.  Maybe it is because life is difficult for them - they've been hurt and it's their way of dealing with some of the pain.  Maybe it's a way (in some manner) of letting go of some of the pain in the only way they can find at the time.  I believe wholly in absolute truth - but there are many things that I believe are preference, or issues that we are to deal with for our own lives.  And this is one of them.  For me this tattoo reminds me that God made me strong - and He has given me new life and new chances over and over again.  And no matter what anyone else does to hurt me, God will never hurt me or leave me.  The damage that was done to my heart is in many ways permanent... it has left a permanent scar, a permanent memory.  But it didn't kill me - and I have chosen that my reaction is to become stronger, love more, be there for others who may experience what I've been through - I will not live in shame or allow fear to keep me from enjoying my life.  And I will not let anyone else steal my Joy. I can't speak about how I will feel in the future...maybe when I'm an old woman and I have a tattoo on my foot...but I hope whenever I look at it, that I smile.  That I remember the change in my life that took me from afraid and beaten down - and allowed myself to live as the strong woman God made me to be. 


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